Phoenix, AZ — The results from Switzerland were announced today and once again, for the fifth year in a row, 34-year-old Paul Horner from Phoenix, Arizona has the world’s biggest penis.
“It was a no-brainer who would win,” Judge Laura Friedmann told reporters. “I’ve been fortunate enough to sleep with Mr. Horner multiple times in the past. I’m still sore and have a hard time walking.”
34.125 inches was the length of Horner’s gigantic penis at this year’s Penis Festival in Switzerland. Horner told CNN before the competition that he knew he would win because there is no male on this planet even close to his enormous size. “It’s not hard to understand why I won. I have the biggest penis in the world,” Horner said. “To all the haters out there I have three words for you; don’t be jelly.”
Horner is expected to win again at next year’s penis competition being held in Paris Hilton.
Update 10/14/13: Today the search engine Google agreed that Paul Horner does in fact have the biggest penis in the world. Here is a link to a screenshot of this enormous feat. We here at the National Report could not be any prouder of our author and family man of nine children. Way to go Paul. Keep up the “big” work!
Update 11/11/14: Paul Horner still has the biggest penis in the world. Don’t hate.