The Ask Mammy column is open to anyone who’d like to seek out Mammy’s advice on personal problems, relationships, sex, infidelity, anal rape, teens, family, even problems at work or school. The National Report will not use your real name in the column if your question is published, nor will we give out your email or any personal information to protect the privacy of our readers. (due to the large number of submissions not all questions will be answered).
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Dear Mammy, My only son will be marrying his partner this weekend. It will be a small, intimate affair. In order to save some money on a fancy rehearsal dinner, he asked that I make my “famous” spaghetti and meatballs at my home. He’s been bragging about my ‘delicious, made from scratch’ pasta noodles to his guests, but he doesn’t know… it’s all a lie! For all these years I’ve secretly been using Barilla pastas, and calling them my own. He’ll know if I change it up. But if he finds out I’m feeding his entire homosexual wedding party anti-gay pastas….he might never talk to me again! What should I do?! Guilty Conscience in Connecticut
Dear Guilty, First of all, congrats to those two pickle kissers. I love the gays! Now, down to business…I suggest you keep your mouth shut and bury those Barilla boxes deep in the trash! As mothers, we all have our little secrets. Some mothers secretly read their children’s diaries. Others sneak out of bed at 3am to eat a ham sandwich alone in the dead of night while crying at the comment her husband made at dinner in regards to her recent weight gain. I digress: Serve up the food that your son has grown to love and crave, but for the love of God, do not leave any evidence behind! Homos are not only fashionable, sexy bitches, but they can be dramatic and short tempered! The slightest change in room temperature or finding out they’re eating homophobic pasta could set them off into a rampage of eye rolls, aggressive finger snaps and angry sashaying away!! Good luck and stay safe!
Dear Mammy, My neighbor keeps exposing himself, but only when I harvest my cucumbers. I’ve tried calling the police, but he is always clothed when they arrive and it’s his word against mine. I feel so violated. What can I do? Violated Veggies in Virginia
Dear Violated, Stop being so selfish! Perhaps he feels left out since he doesn’t have a cucumber patch to harvest as well. Think outside the box. If his penis is erect, you can always hang your sun hat on it while you wipe the sweat from your brow. If he is fondling it while exposing himself to you, then I say take a break from gardening, sip your iced tea and enjoy the show. Make sure he finishes while in the garden. You know, semen is a wonderful, organic nutrient that helps stimulate plant growth. When life hands you lemons, fertilize your garden with it. In the case that you wish to avoid him, then just install a fence. Prude!
Dear Mammy, In this day and age of computers, cell phones and cable tv… how can I keep my 12 year old, die hard Hanna Montana loving tweener from seeing what has become of Miley Cyrus? She is hardly a role model advocating marijuana use and dressing provocatively while grinding her chicken cutlet looking ass up against men’s crotches. I do NOT want to be the parent whose daughter is suspended for twerking , smoking dope or roaming the halls with her tongue hanging out of her mouth. I can only shield her innocent eyes for so long….help! Terrified of Twerking in Tennessee
Dear Terrified, Let’s give credit where credit is due… Miley has been working overtime to shed her Hanna Montana image. Her musical career is evolving as is her image. She is quickly turning into a young whorish woman. Your daughter will do the same thing when she is 18 years old (if she waits that long) and off to college, away from your watchful eyes. She’ll gain her Freshman 15… pounds in semen. Sophomore year she’ll be popular at frat parties, doing keg stands while wearing a skirt and no panties. She’ll barely make it through Junior year in a total blackout, having smoked and snorted every drug possible. Senior year she’ll be the school’s Beer Pong champ… famous for her accuracy when using her vagina to shoot the balls across the table. You see, things will get worse whether you allow her to follow Miley or not. So stop worrying about the inevitable and enjoy her sweet innocence now because like most kids today, she’ll turn out to be a real self loathing, entitled whore!