A year ago I received a $25,000 grant from the government to do a study on dining etiquette. I traveled around the world visiting various restaurants, eateries, talking with waiters and waitresses, learning the secrets to getting the best service possible. So after one year of extensive research and study, I have put together a list of five simple tips to make sure your next dining experience is absolutely magical.
1. ALWAYS snap your fingers at the server
This makes the server feel needed and will guarantee that you get your order as fast as possible. The more snapping, the faster the service will be.
2. Bring as many children with you as possible
While dining out it is important to let your server know that they are a part of your family. If the server’s name is Dave, have the children call him ‘Uncle Dave’.
A crying infant at the table is always a good idea. A good server will know exactly how to help, thus making him or her feel important. This will also reassure them that they are truly a part of your family.
As for budgeting, one plate of food can usually feed 10-15 children. Make sure you request a small plate for each child so they can still have their own individual meal. A glass for each child is a good idea too since I recommend 8-9 large pitchers of water. Enough to bathe in if at all possible. This will keep your expenses down and make for a fun bonding experience.
3. Leave pamphlets about Jesus Christ
A good server will always appreciate your attempts to save their soul from eternal hell-fire and damnation. It is also important to note that most servers rarely leave the restaurant that they work at. Any information about the outside world is always much appreciated.
4. Do not leave a tip
This is a common mistake that most people make. Leaving a tip for your server is a big turn off and will appear clingy. Remember, you have already attempted to save their soul. There is no reason to include monetary gratuities on top of that.
When paying your bill, split the check up as many ways as possible. Make sure each person has at least 3 or 4 separate checks consisting of payments for cash, credit card and whatever else you think your server will find fun and exciting. I personally recommend rare ‘Wooden Bills’ used in post-war Germany. Ask your server if they are open to the idea to trade or barter. Maybe your pair of new Nikes will pay for dinner? You never know until you ask.
5. Leave your table as messy as possible
If you have done the correct thing and ordered all your food on the side, there should be a lot of plates. Remember to hide the used napkins in and around the table; make a game out of it. Use every condiment available to you to create a painting on the table; get creative! Everyone loves art and so will your server. Just remember, by doing all of this, it will give your server more time to meditate and collect his or her thoughts while clearing the masterpiece that you have left behind.
By following these five simple tips you are guaranteed to have the most enjoyable dining experience of your life! You’re welcome!