04242014Headline:

5 Helpful Tips To Improve Your Dining Experience

5 Helpful Tips To Improve Your Dining Experience

A year ago I received a $25,000 grant from the government to do a study on dining etiquette. I traveled around the world visiting various restaurants, eateries, talking with waiters and waitresses, learning the secrets to getting the best service possible. So after one year of extensive research and study, I have put together a list of five simple tips to make sure your next dining experience is absolutely magical.

1. ALWAYS snap your fingers at the server

This makes the server feel needed and will guarantee that you get your order as fast as possible. The more snapping, the faster the service will be.

2. Bring as many children with you as possible

While dining out it is important to let your server know that they are a part of your family. If the server’s name is Dave, have the children call him ‘Uncle Dave’.

A crying infant at the table is always a good idea. A good server will know exactly how to help, thus making him or her feel important. This will also reassure them that they are truly a part of your family.

As for budgeting, one plate of food can usually feed 10-15 children. Make sure you request a small plate for each child so they can still have their own individual meal. A glass for each child is a good idea too since I recommend 8-9 large pitchers of water. Enough to bathe in if at all possible. This will keep your expenses down and make for a fun bonding experience.

3. Leave pamphlets about Jesus Christ

A good server will always appreciate your attempts to save their soul from eternal hell-fire and damnation. It is also important to note that most servers rarely leave the restaurant that they work at. Any information about the outside world is always much appreciated.

4. Do not leave a tip

This is a common mistake that most people make. Leaving a tip for your server is a big turn off and will appear clingy. Remember, you have already attempted to save their soul. There is no reason to include monetary gratuities on top of that.


When paying your bill, split the check up as many ways as possible. Make sure each person has at least 3 or 4 separate checks consisting of payments for cash, credit card and whatever else you think your server will find fun and exciting. I personally recommend rare ‘Wooden Bills’ used in post-war Germany. Ask your server if they are open to the idea to trade or barter. Maybe your pair of new Nikes will pay for dinner? You never know until you ask.

5. Leave your table as messy as possible

If you have done the correct thing and ordered all your food on the side, there should be a lot of plates. Remember to hide the used napkins in and around the table; make a game out of it. Use every condiment available to you to create a painting on the table; get creative! Everyone loves art and so will your server. Just remember, by doing all of this, it will give your server more time to meditate and collect his or her thoughts while clearing the masterpiece that you have left behind.

By following these five simple tips you are guaranteed to have the most enjoyable dining experience of your life! You’re welcome!

###


What Next?

Related Articles

5 Responses to "5 Helpful Tips To Improve Your Dining Experience"

  1. Michael Bankson says:

    They seem like good tips, maybe I will use them next time I eat out.

  2. Daniel Heinrichs says:

    Oh, one more thing! When the server brings the food to your table, shout loudly, “Praise Jesus, our order has finally arrived!” Then, and before tasting your dinner, hold your Bible over your bowed head, and pray out loud for all of the sinners and heathen in the world before giving thanks for the food. A loud ‘Amen’ from everyone at the table will set the mood for a
    most enjoyable meal.

  3. Starrman69 says:

    I have always thought that leaving money was a condenscending move, such as giving bribes to beggers not to wipe your windshield or whine out their tail of woe. For me a tip is
    something that would benefit a server, such as; “Seabiscuit in the third” or “Don’t eat the yellow snow!”. If the service was less than terriic, then a quarter would suffice so that they would know that you didn’t just “stiff them” and put them on notice that their service needed improvement. A lot of these servers are college kids that need the humility as once they become college grads, there’s no telling them anything….

  4. Remi Fasol Latido says:

    Here’s a good tip I always leave them…”Get out of the business. Guffaw.”

  5. Real Christian Patriot says:

    A $25,000 grant from Obama’s liberal, socialist government! More wasted money that could be going for corporate tax breaks to keep our jobs from going to China. In New America, there will be no need for dining etiquette, because people will be so hungry from working hard that they will just scarf down their food (after they thank the Good Lord for it) and *maybe* say “Excuse me” after they burp. At least the grant wasn’t a total waste, because it got that thing about the tip right. I’ve always said that waitresses love reading a good Chick tract after a hard day’s work.

Leave a Reply

Submit Comment



*DISCLAIMER: The views expressed by writers on this site are theirs alone and are not reflective of the fine journalistic and editorial integrity of National Report. Advice given is NOT to be construed as professional. If you are in need of professional help, please consult a professional. National Report is not intended for children under the age of 18.