MEXICO CITY- <National Report> Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto issued a proclamation today declaring that his government is no longer recognizing the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo and the Gadsden Purchase as valid, and that the southwest United States is rightfully the ancestral territory of the Mexican people. Nieto said that his government will immediately begin re-integrating the territory.
“We’ve already taken care of the hard part,” he said. “There are more Mexicans than Americans in Texas, California, Arizona, New Mexico, Nevada, and Utah. Well, maybe not Utah.”
Nieto indicated that he was pleased with the progress of Mexican citizens illegally entering the United States, and said that his agents were in place to make the transition as seamless as possible.
“Nobody in Phoenix, L. A., Albuquerque, or Reno is going to notice any difference,” he said. “And John Kerry is in full support of our position. This move represents justice for the millions of Mexicans who have, until now, had to live as second-class citizens in a land that is rightfully theirs.”
When pressed further by an American reporter about the logic of the move, Nieto said, “You stole half our country, gringo. Furthermore, you stole the half with all the paved roads.”
Nieto explained, “A Mexican living in San Antonio is no different from a Palestinian living in Tel Aviv. We were there first, and were forced out by a hostile invader. We are no longer going to submit to an occupation that is unlawful. Those territories belong to the Mexican people, because we were the ones who stole it from the Navajos, Apaches, and the Yumas centuries before any pasty Norte Americanos made it west of Chattanooga, Tennessee.”
Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren released a statement claiming that, in addition to being Native American, she is also Mexican, and is planning on running for Governor of California. “There’s no reason I can’t be a senator in one country and a governor in another, is there? I don’t know. My background is in bankruptcy law.”
When told about the development, United States President Obama crushed a perfect drive for 220 yards off the third tee at Belvior and said, “Oh, he got all of that one!”